Job Hunter's Humorist Gifts

"You should have mentioned in your resume that you could only do it once."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

'Are you free at the moment?'

When staffing agencies screw up.

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"So, Ms. Mayfly. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

"Do you have any specific experience other than 'this and that'?"

'Your resume is very impressive. We can't hire you but we don't want you to get away, so we're going to lock you in a closed for six months.'

'I like a man with a good, firm fist bump.'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

"Sorry son, you're too negative!"

'Don't worry, Finnegan... it doesn't matter how you answer the questions in a job interview. Every time they ask you something, just tilt your head sideways in that adorable way you do and they'll be putty in your hands...'

"Forget the pension and health care - do I get gas money?"

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'