Unemployment Counselor Gifts

Where are the jobs?

'Thank you for calling the State Unemployment office. All of our operators have been furloughed. Please call back next month.'

'...And the next termination letter goes to...'

'Victoria's Secret: the one place where some guys don't mind being given the pink slip.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Staff support"

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

'I'm Jeremy's father. I'm a computer consultant and I'm unemployed.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

Caged Businessman

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"What's your occupation?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

'Thanks for the promotion offer but I was hoping to sleep my way to the top..'

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"Sitting here with you each day at sunset reminds me I have to get a job."

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'