Job Counselors Gifts

'Hunters are abundant, so we're offering grants in gathering.'

An illustration of how treacherous the unemployment lines have become

"Staff support"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

"Have you and Tim picked out a name for the career obstacle yet?"

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

Caged Businessman

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

"Brilliant cover letter, lousy résumé."

"Ok, so you got the worm. What are you going to do with the rest of your day?"

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

'Thanks for the promotion offer but I was hoping to sleep my way to the top..'

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"What's your occupation?"

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."