Unapologetic Elder Gifts

"I shoulda' fucked every man I ever met."

"Tonight! Author book signing." "Develop your inner raging bitch."

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

Psychologist is SHOCKED by what his elderly patent is telling him.

'Mr. Franklin. What did I tell you about wheelies in the hallway?'

'It will save us time if you don't tell me what still works and and what doesn't hurt.'

Medical Bling: "Help!" on a rope, Important info, O2 4U, Snazzy 3-prong

'So OK. . . I should quit smoking, but I scratched that off my bucket list years ago!'

'No kidding? I didn't realize 80 is the new 20!'

Future Old People

"Bad boys don't die. They just ride in to the sunset!"

'The law requires me to tell you that we don't discriminate, gramps.'

At the Old Bikers' Home

'Forget it, sonny. My power of attorney is all sorted out.'

'I occasionally go out for a walk, and I buy groceries every two weeks or so. I wonder if I qualify as a recluse.'

Elderly tightrope walker.

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

'I prefer 'Baby Boomer' over 'Senior Citizen'.'

"Don't bother complaining about anything to granddad...he'll just say 'these are the best days of your life!!!'"

100th Birthday

When you get to be my age, you start to notice certain patterns in the river of history. You start to notice, for instance, that the winner always loses. What's that mean? Every great power defines itself as the opposite of its main enemy. Once that enemy is defeated, the great power loses its virtues, its unity ... even its identity. The great power then either creates new enemies, or it fades into history. (Yawn) Old people talk a lot. What I'm saying is, you were not my first "Rudy Park," and

Quadruple espresso. Sorry, Uncle Mort. I'm gonna have to cut you off. I'm old! I can drink as much as I want, whenever I want! You think I got this old without knowing what I can and can't handle? Sorry. See?! I told you I - Zzz. A barista should always follow his instincts.

Elderly religious cleric takes stair lift up the temple.

'Try not to take offense when he says - 'Of all the hip joints in all the world etc etc.''

"Your mother is receiving top quality care and attention."

Exercise Classes for the over 60s - Pottering 8pm.

"He's been in there for about three weeks. . . I warned him that he was too old to sit in a seventies bean bag."

"We just want to make sure nobody does anything sneaky."

Do not dare ask me about my grandchildren!

"Well, finally! Gracefully aging no more."

"Larry is a white male, but he hasn't been able to do much with it."

'Isn't it sweet how grampa loves to keep up with technology?'

"Before there was the Internet, Grandpa didn't know that he was right about everything."

Bert escalates his war on inanity: Warning! Actually saying LOL will be hazardous to your health.