Twin Jokester Pillows

'I'd like to report an identity theft.'

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'These are the twins, 'Whipper' & 'Snapper,'!'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"And there we have it, gentlemen! The first full face transplant swap of twins."

"And here's one I made up called 'Mama's Last Nerve.'"

'Tax man practical joker sticks sign on colleague's back which reads; Tax me.'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

'My husband wants to know if the sonogram can tell if the baby is a Red Sox or Yankees fan.'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

'I think you're mistaking me for my twin sister.'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

"Am I seeing double? You and your twin are the experts, why don't you two tell me!"

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'