Jokesters Pillows

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'What can we do for you?' - 'I need a song removed from my mind.'

'I didn't say it was arson - I said it was OUR SON!'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Smell Check

"I must be out of memory"

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'Maybe the correspondence school doesn't even have a bus.'

Power fart!

"I'm going out, Miss Smith, I'll be back in five years."

"Thomas! Did Judas put you up to that?"

"But I only drink a lot so I won't get thirsty in the night!"

Notice how few people fiddle with the heating controls since putting up that sign?

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Robot porn.

'Unfortunately, Rex didn't realize he was about to pee on an electric fence...'

'Oh good! You got the kids to bed!'

"Remember, don't leak until the inspector's here."

"I did all my homework last night. I couldn't find my phone."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"Oh, here—take a penny and make it an even three hundred."

"Surely you can't hold me responsible for what others might say."

Death of a Prankster

"It's your Grandpa's cocoon."

"Remember your password for five bucks, mister?"

"Google predicts it's going to be archaeologist."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

You've got polaroids.

"There are essentially four basic forms for a joke."

"Mother has decided not to come after all, Harold"

'Gilbert thought the man said 'stand up' instead of 'shut up'.'

'What did the carrot say to the tomato? Nothing, vegetables don't talk.'

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'