Jokesters Pillows

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'I didn't say it was arson - I said it was OUR SON!'

'What can we do for you?' - 'I need a song removed from my mind.'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Smell Check

"I must be out of memory"

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Power fart!

'Maybe the correspondence school doesn't even have a bus.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"I'm going out, Miss Smith, I'll be back in five years."

"Thomas! Did Judas put you up to that?"

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Robot porn.

Notice how few people fiddle with the heating controls since putting up that sign?

'Unfortunately, Rex didn't realize he was about to pee on an electric fence...'

'Oh good! You got the kids to bed!'

"But I only drink a lot so I won't get thirsty in the night!"

"Remember, don't leak until the inspector's here."

"I did all my homework last night. I couldn't find my phone."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"You do realize this may affect my review of you on Yelp?"

Jeffrey's Time Machine: 'This is why I hate talking to Geeky science boys!!'

"We're very close to finding a cure...and then we'll be out of a job."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"That was six! You should never have quit school, Jake!"

'Sure, it didn't work, but 'two to beam up' was worth a try'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

"Why does she have to put her nose into everyone's business?"

"Ha - The joke's on YOU! I wasn't even at home last night!!"

"What's the army's lowest rank?"

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'