Jolly Jokesters Pillows

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

'On the outside I'm all ho-ho-ho. But inside I feel weak and shaky, like a bowl full of jelly.'

'Honey, have you seen my suit?'

"Sarge, I think I've found the owner of that driverless sleigh discovered up north!"

"Let's tell him we've been good. He probably won't call our bluff."

Santa Claus

"Hi! I'm on the bus."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Merry Christmas"

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Men dancing

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"Maybe this year..."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Elf of the Month

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

"But he's way more fun than the rubber ducky."