Tv Ratings Junkie Gifts

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Dancing with the Star Wars

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

"There's more to life than beer and football...I just can remember what it is."

"If there is no more American Idol what am I going to do to become famous?"

"Can't stop watching. That ribbon is amaaazing..."

"Say hi to your mother for me and tell her I'm happy her bypass turned out O.K

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

"Well, you gonna spin?" "Ah, maybe after another Breaking Bad."

"We interrupt this advertisement to bring you another advertisement that has just been rushed to the studio."

America's funniest investment scams

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

'He's in training for the Olympics'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

Wall mountable TVs.

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"'60 Minutes' is on."

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

Note to viewers: We've cut back on sexual content by replacing it with violence.

This program is made possible by donations from Don and Mary Doughaberg, and from lowlifes like you who never get their names mentioned.

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

"The season finale of the world is near."

"Honey, Clay Buchholz is about to cement a Cy Young!"