Tv Ratings Junkie Gifts

"Yes... It's true... My press briefings rate better than 'The Bold and the Beautiful'...Next!"

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

University Soapflakes

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

'Redneck Goldfish' Earl knew better than to watch Oprah while drinking.

Dancing with the Star Wars

'Breaking Bad' Box Set Addiction.

Lawn Order. It's a landscaping show about maintaining a tidy yard.

Shopper in grocery store sees TV dinners marked daytime and prime time.

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

Mog The Week

"There's more to life than beer and football...I just can remember what it is."

"If there is no more American Idol what am I going to do to become famous?"

"We interrupt this advertisement to bring you another advertisement that has just been rushed to the studio."

'If social security were privatized, the administration also suggested a name change to 'Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld holdings inc.''

"Well, you gonna spin?" "Ah, maybe after another Breaking Bad."

Frank and Ernie's Poetry Corner. Robert Frost. TV Guide. I think I'll watch some late-night comedy

"Can't stop watching. That ribbon is amaaazing..."

"Say hi to your mother for me and tell her I'm happy her bypass turned out O.K

America's funniest investment scams

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

'He's in training for the Olympics'

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"'60 Minutes' is on."

Kathryn Morris

Wall mountable TVs.

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

In other news, the world turned upside down today.

"I see myself as a lot like Garbo, but very much a people person!"

"Honey, Clay Buchholz is about to cement a Cy Young!"

'I wish someone would finally make that Oprah Winfrey shush! I would but I can't find the remote.'

"The season finale of the world is near."

This program is made possible by donations from Don and Mary Doughaberg, and from lowlifes like you who never get their names mentioned.

Note to viewers: We've cut back on sexual content by replacing it with violence.