Tv Ratings Guru Gifts

Viewer to wife: 'Competition for ratings is getting stiff. Sixty Minutes is investigating NBC.'

'Your Honor, members of the jury and Neilsen viewers...'

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Who should be the next eco-club president? The most vegan? The most carbon neutral? The most into solar? Eco-club. But we need someone who will attract kids to the environmental cause. Then it's obvious. The most popular. Or most athletic!

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'What does it say, Dad?'

Can't Touch This

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Christmas TV...

Can't Touch This

'It's not as impressive as it looks. He only watches fishing shows.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"Ooops...wrong doctor !"

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

Man from 'National Viewers and Listeners Association sits at work boxes titled; 'Switch on' and 'Switch off'.

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'Well, kids -- I guess it all started to fall apart when they canceled 'Seinfeld'....'

Silly News.

'He has a learning disability all right - television!'

Weird – I think everything they watch is called, That actor looks so familiar what else have we seen him in.

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''