Tv Ratings Watcher Gifts

"Never mind the inaccuracies. He LOVES these corona briefings. He gets higher TV ratings than he ever got on 'The Apprentice.'"

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

Tree house.

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

'Och lye the news'

Watching the football.

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

"Would you mind adjusting the vibrate on your phone? There's a seismologist on TV claiming there's been an earthquake in our neighborhood."

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"WIFI, Amazon, credit cards. Pretty much every password is named after me."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Incorrect weather forecasts.

It's a Dog's life

"Then we agree. 10 minutes of your news, then 10 minutes of mine."

"I'm the bluebird of PMS. Fetch me some decaf and turn on the air conditioner. I'm burning up in here!"

And here is the day's news that we are going shove down your throat.

"So much for finding intelligent life on this planet."

'According to the latest reports, there were no earlier reports.'

'The opinions expressed by Burt are not necessarily those of Ernie.'

"Today, in all aspects of life losses outnumbered gains."

'The sword in the stone was just a warm-up - now you must remove this remote control ...'

'I got my degree by watching JEOPARDY.'

"Dad, I was thinking...can I get a tattoo...right here!"

Dog watched 'Fire Hydrants of the Rich and Famous.'

End of football season - UK

This program is made possible by donations from Don and Mary Doughaberg, and from lowlifes like you who never get their names mentioned.

Sailor notices a sea mine in his foot bath.

It's 10PM. Do you know if you're under electronic surveillance from a spy satellite?

Man ignores a football kicked through the window because his attention is on the TV.