Travel Deal Skeptics Gifts

Budget Holiday

Injured backpacker.

Excess Baggage: Airline CEO's should be forced to work at the check-in counter explaining those hated add-on fees to passengers.

"Cancel the trip. The cook didn't get a visa."

Orville Wright, not sure he wants to eat airline food, brings a sandwich to his historic first flight.

'Well, there's another strikeout. ... get that bat company on the phone. I'm having second thoughts about their so-called 'volume discount.''

'They're out there, they swallow your stuff, and who're you gonna call?'

'Why pay the airline $7.00 for a beer, when I can get a drone to deliver 6 for the same price?'

"I've just about had it with these corporate retreats."

'I don't like to question your map reading dear, but could you have another look at the last left turn?'

What Europeans really think: 'Why waste fuel on transatlantic flights? Drill a hole to Jersey city.'

Excess Baggage: Forcing your homebody spouse to accompany you on a business trip is generally not a great idea.

Never choose a vacation spot by its posters.

'Another one of your screw-ups! You were supposed to get us a rental car!'

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! My family reunion is in Bermuda this year. But I hate flying. Ever since they started poking and prodding and x-raying and de-shoe-ung us, I swore I'd only go places to which I could drive. Are you using post-9/11 security enhancements as an excuse to avoid spending time with your annoying relatives? Because if so, I salute you. I will not be fondled by the TSA just to watch Aunt Bertha do the Electric Slide.

"Welcome to the new Drone 747, remotely controlled from a rented office in Calcutta."

'Hey mister, you can't smoke in here.'

'I'm sorry you find the insurance too expensive,madam,but I doubt they have lifebelts your size!'

"Do you have anywhere hot, cheap and with a lot of cats?"

"On the phone you mentioned that you were interested in one of our 'quickie-escape' packages."

"They offer a discount if you book the airline, hotel, and car reservations for completely different cities."

Death Takes A Holiday

Travel: Special low rates to Capistrano

"Why do I get the impression you're trying to force me to pick your parent company's package?"

'I believe I'm entitled to a discount.'

Saudi Arabia tramples on human rights, but this is ignored by those seeking trade agreements.

HOLLYWOOD TRAVEL: Special! Entourages travel at 25% off!

'-or for fifty quid I can arrange for you to stow away'

"Well, we won't book with travel agent again"

Terror Plots We Could Really Use

"Relax. I understand the airline has established several new safety procedures!"

Travel agent: 'I can give you a treally good deal, if you're willing to STAND all the way to Boston.'

Non-Travellers' Tales

1001 Places To Be Stabbed Before You Die,

'Why not just admit that you don't want to holiday abroad.'