Traditional Parenting Analyst Gifts

'Yes, but the ideological notion that striking a child isn't justified under any circumstances contradicts thousands of years of parenting experience.'

"Is she breastfeeding in public?! That's disgusting!"

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

A boy and his spin patrol.

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

'I'm not so sure I'm a problem child. Maybe you're a problem parent.'

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

'We now feel it's best that baby keeps her security blanket until she's old enough for a cell phone.'

'No need to make a judgement, King Solomon, we can run a DNA test.'

"In regards to my son's education I am a firm believer in 'Laissez-Faire'."

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

"Don't use that howl language with me!"

Kids, kids. Did you forget it was Mother's Day again?

'You've got to keep it straight. With Mom it's burping, with Dad it's running in the house.'

"What changed? I once said a bad word when I was real little, and everyone laughed!"

'But darling, instinct only gets you so far in life: You need to go to school as well...'

"Pardon me, but I couldn’t help noticing how well-behaved your children are. May I ask which medications they’re on?"

"I raised three kids, so you could say I was in risk management."

'Now that's what I call a sneeze!'

"Mommm! I know you said ''no,' but it wasn't your usual firm 'no' that I admire and respect so much!"

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

The Toddler's Conscience

Dad doesn't initiate much legislation, but he uses his veto power a lot.

"Podca-a-a-a-a-a-ast!!!"

"Use a fork."

'My dad was a workaholic...' 'Mine was a drunken stumbblebum.'

'I've adult proofed the computer.'