Parental Care Analyst Gifts

"That's the trouble when you visit your parents - no matter how old you are they end up treating you like a child again."

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'I'm not so sure I'm a problem child. Maybe you're a problem parent.'

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

'They sort of grow on you.'

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

'All those years of teaching me to walk and talk. . . now all they want is for me to sit down and shut up!'

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

Swings Doctor

'My dad was a workaholic...' 'Mine was a drunken stumbblebum.'

"Use your indoor gun."

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'

"Philip has questioned my stewardship."

"What's it like to have sexually active parents?"

'Motherly radar, we've know about. Now we suspect motherly in-home surveillance cameras.'

"When I left for school this morning, were we getting along, or did I promise never to talk to you again?"

"And remember, son, perception isn't reality - money is."