Parental Care Analyst Gifts

"That's the trouble when you visit your parents - no matter how old you are they end up treating you like a child again."

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'I'm not so sure I'm a problem child. Maybe you're a problem parent.'

"Just because your mother devoured your siblings and not you didn't mean she valued you any less. She was just full."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

'They sort of grow on you.'

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

'All those years of teaching me to walk and talk. . . now all they want is for me to sit down and shut up!'

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

"Philip has questioned my stewardship."

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'

'My dad was a workaholic...' 'Mine was a drunken stumbblebum.'

'Motherly radar, we've know about. Now we suspect motherly in-home surveillance cameras.'

"Use your indoor gun."

"What's it like to have sexually active parents?"

Swings Doctor

"When I left for school this morning, were we getting along, or did I promise never to talk to you again?"