Parenting Analyst Gifts

"You're the reason nations fail."

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Why can't my mother be more like my grandmother?'

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

'Ah, it's so precious to witness a child learn how government actually works...'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

"When can I redeploy?"

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I'm not so sure I'm a problem child. Maybe you're a problem parent.'

'My own debit card would really be a great way to teach me the value of a dollar.'

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

'We now feel it's best that baby keeps her security blanket until she's old enough for a cell phone.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

"My dad put in a new security system."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'No need to make a judgement, King Solomon, we can run a DNA test.'

'No we are not there yet, we're just leaving our drive!'

"I've got him on vibrate."

"Don't think of it as being grounded. Think of it as suffering the consequences of your monumental stupidity."

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

Kids, kids. Did you forget it was Mother's Day again?

"Baldo! Pick him up!"