Traditional Parenting Enthusiasts Gifts

'Excellent! There's no mention of a ban on Grandparents smacking children..' (children fighting in background).

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"Is she breastfeeding in public?! That's disgusting!"

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

Growth Charts

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Crying baby

Early childhood development

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"My first Father's day!"

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

"Ouch. . . Aaaargh!!. . . Stop it!. . . "

Husband and Child in Pram

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

'Hang on. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Apparently that's not a good idea.'

Parenting magazines.

"I can hear some rattling: Better start writing those birth notices Darling..."

Mother: 'He has your eyes.'

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"