Toilet Etiquette Gifts

'I used four tubes of ultra-super-glue on the seat. Now let's see you leave it up.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

Fly fishing.

Awkward First Dates

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

'D'you have any salt?'

'Dear Miss Etiquette, I'm never sure if I should say anything...'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'