Toilet Etiquette Pillows

'I used four tubes of ultra-super-glue on the seat. Now let's see you leave it up.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"This stool shall pass."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

Fly fishing.

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

Awkward First Dates

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"You need to turn down the vibration setting on your cell phone."

'D'you have any salt?'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'