Tithing Enthusiast Gifts

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

Priest

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

My mother says the bible is full of good people, like Moses, who brought kindness to the world. That alone makes it a worthy basis for morality in today's world. Moses, Numbers 31:9-18(NIV), look it up.

'We were kind of hoping to let our CONSCIENCE be our guide.'

"Amen. Please help me up."

BRAND-NEW OMG-STORY

"You always said nothing would ever come between us."

"Instead of Red Team and Blue Team, why don't we make it Good v. Evil?"

"Now she could watch the special on root canal treatment."

Promised Land Signpost

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

Honk if you're holy.

Pre-nuptual Nativity

''Born again'? -- but I was just born five years ago!'

"Hallelujah!"

"Blasphemy, yes, but it was funny."

'Oh, I understand -- with the 'coveting' part, we can get everybody!'

Peter explains to the Disciples what really happened.

'I've got the inside track ... But the Devil uses the big freeway.'

The Venerable Bede

'Here's a new toothbrush...I've been using that one on the dog's teeth!'

"...And when the Lord finished, she rested."

"Rabbi Mandelbaum?"

"Everyone wants to known what Jesus would do. No one ever asks how Jesus is feeling about his complicated relationship with his father."

"Wait a minute! - First you say, 'Lay up treasures in Heaven,' and then you say, 'You can't take it with you'!"

God is a spider.

'All done, ready for bed: I've cleaned his teeth...'