Timeless Humor Aficionado Gifts

Ernie's Discount Clinic. Fragile. I didn't see the need to go to medical school. I just give everybody a clock

"Er – if you young people don't mind, I have a few things to do now. Perhaps you have a hotel or somewhere to go?"

"I'm not angry, but in the future I’d prefer it if you chewed up her Sue Graftons, not my P.G. Wodehouses."

The Thinker. The Listener

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

"He reports to Grand Central Palace tomorrow."

'Who said the Germans don't have a sense of humour? Just look at that card Hans Greber and we have haven't been shot at all day.'

'We know it's good...we had an excellent ghost writer.'

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

"Hey! I was trained in 1948 and was good enough for then, so it's good enough for now....whipper-snapper!"

"I hate to sound like a sergeant, Ralph, but it's ten minutes to six."

A man selling a horse to an older lady

Dante Alighieri

'Now, Mrs Althorpe, if you think you see the man who assaulted you, we just want you to touch him on the shoulder.' (Mrs Althorpe beats a man up and then says she doesn't recognise any of them)

Gentleman discovering that his servants have been eating most of his good meat

Time Travelers from the 21st Century.

"It's my latest invention - I call it 'Fire point two oh'!"

'Stop gritting your teeth!'

"But wait, there's more."

Sisyphus, 117 million years on

Mother Hubbard 2011

"When was this license issued?"

"I hope this isn't the start of an insensitive joke that was once considered funny."

"What a pity! Mr Grogan took it on the lam not more than five minutes ago."

Not what he meant.

Thatcher's child

'Don't tell the Fuhrer I filled the war head with jellybabies, you know upset he gets.'

Phil Silvers: Spot the Difference

'He says he makes house calls, and he'll be over as soon as he gets his horse back from the blacksmith.'

Pistols at dawn.

"I'm a hunter." "I'm a gatherer."

'I just loved you Potatoes O' Squanto!'

Goldilocks and the Three Stooges

"I just invented this. I call it "freezer bag"."