Throwback Humorist Gifts

"Roots, figs, water, mammoth meat, and... um... Ugh! Me never remember shopping list!"

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'I ask her to make up her mind. So she powders her forehead.'

"Yours is adjustable?"

'Sorry guys... budget cuts !'

"Of course, I'm perfectly willing to pay my income tax, but I stayed home all day on the fifteenth, and nobody came."

Stone Age women were less happy than men at the arrival of the iron age: Look what I've invented just for you darling.

Before Cordless Light Sabers

History of Cartooning.

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

'I hunt and I gather. I invented multitasking.'

Man hitting a TV and going out of focus himself.

"Really! A firecracker! Test his nerves! Where do you come up with these stupid ideas?"

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. X.

'The crepes of wrath.' 'Joad's mobile pancake store.'

"Cassius Clay....Muhammad Ali....was one name his chatroom nickname or user name?"

"My, it feels good to sit down."

"He's got a man cave, a work cave, and a cave cave."

Trump to Build Wall

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

"Richelieu, Voltaire, Napoleon...no wonder you know so much about these people. I'm sure you met them personally!"

"You can count on my unloading the dishwasher in any number of alternate timelines. Now whether it occurs in this one..."

'See? I've got a rock AND a stick! -- I've invented MULTITASKING!'

We are downsizing due to the merger of our hunting and gathering divisions.

'I don't think Charlie will ever get used to these auto-mobiles.'

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

Gunswinger

'It's really nothing - Looks like baby boomer age spots.'

"It's a cereal box. It's not supposed to be interactive!"

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

"Believe me, nobody's going to care you had facial hair a hundred million years from today."