Thoracic Surgeon Gifts

Entering America's Heartland

"On the upside, you're only one heart attack away from reaching our platinum V.I.P. status."

A heart flies out during an operation.

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Ice Cream Surgeon

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

Someone who knows apostrophes

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

'My mom's the greatest surgeon this side of Mayo brothers.'

Haute Suture

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

There's no such thing as a triple carburetor bypass!

Young Dr. Dolittle.

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"Surgery up here is free!"

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

Why can't you just chew the squeaker out like normal dogs?

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."