Surgeon Gifts

"We began with a hip replacement and just sort of riffed off that."

'How's the spleen?' 'The spleen? Where is it?' 'I never studied the spleen.' 'I was left back in my spleen class.' 'I failed spleen.' 'I thought we didn't have to know the spleen.'

Vending machines. Junk food. Robotic surgery.

"First, do no harm. After that, go nuts."

"It's your ear, nose, and throat."

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'Despite all these changes in modern society, a prolapse is still a prolapse.'

"I'll be performing the operation, and this is the anesthesiologist."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

Dermatology: Journal of Itchcraft.

'Hold on -- I'll remember what the knee bone is connected to if I start at the beginning of the song ...'

'I need to reset his internal clock...does anyone have the correct time?'

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

"...and this is Ralph, your anesthesiologist."

'Hey, there's some clown here that says we got his order by mistake.'

"I am not the famous heart surgeon, but I am in his medical group."

'What did you think we meant by 'organ donor program?''

'Perkins! The correct term for this operation is transplant. Not cut and paste!!'

'Who gets the penile implant, him or me?'

'Great performance. He was going for a triple bypass, and he did a quadruple.'

"Ok, let's go over this one more time, 'The Leg Bone's Connected To The. . .'"

'You want us to cut WHAT off?'

"Hey Anesthesiologist! Let's pay attention!"

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

'Wait, this one's a lawyer. We'd better wash our hands.'

'Wake him up. We need informed consent for the next part.'

"OK, the old ones in my right hand..."

'Surgery went well, Mr. Moore. I had a lot of fun rebuilding your knee joint.'

Damn defibrillators.

"Well, yes, it's a routine procedure - if you routinely have someone slice open your body with sharp instruments and then fiddle with your insides."

In the dark days, before doctor-patient confidentiality.

'BOy! Talk about organ rejection!'

'I realize it's a bit strange, sir, but due to the new health information privacy laws, none of us is allowed to know your identity.'

I'm having trouble breathing.

'Relax - we're all in this together.'