Surgeon Pillows

"We began with a hip replacement and just sort of riffed off that."

'How's the spleen?' 'The spleen? Where is it?' 'I never studied the spleen.' 'I was left back in my spleen class.' 'I failed spleen.' 'I thought we didn't have to know the spleen.'

Vending machines. Junk food. Robotic surgery.

"First, do no harm. After that, go nuts."

"It's your ear, nose, and throat."

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'Despite all these changes in modern society, a prolapse is still a prolapse.'

"I'll be performing the operation, and this is the anesthesiologist."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

Dermatology: Journal of Itchcraft.

'Hold on -- I'll remember what the knee bone is connected to if I start at the beginning of the song ...'

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'I need to reset his internal clock...does anyone have the correct time?'

'Hey, there's some clown here that says we got his order by mistake.'

'What did you think we meant by 'organ donor program?''

"I am not the famous heart surgeon, but I am in his medical group."

'Perkins! The correct term for this operation is transplant. Not cut and paste!!'

'Who gets the penile implant, him or me?'

'Great performance. He was going for a triple bypass, and he did a quadruple.'

"Ok, let's go over this one more time, 'The Leg Bone's Connected To The. . .'"

'You want us to cut WHAT off?'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

'Wait, this one's a lawyer. We'd better wash our hands.'

'Wake him up. We need informed consent for the next part.'

"OK, the old ones in my right hand..."

Damn defibrillators.

"Well, yes, it's a routine procedure - if you routinely have someone slice open your body with sharp instruments and then fiddle with your insides."

In the dark days, before doctor-patient confidentiality.

'BOy! Talk about organ rejection!'

I'm having trouble breathing.

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

'Relax - we're all in this together.'

'Doctor, you amputated the wrong leg!'

"The surgery went well. It had spread, but I'm quite confident we got it all."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. The anesthesiologist is on vacation."