Terminal Illness Gifts

'I wish I had learned more trivia.'

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

'He's refusing to die as a protest against Inheritance Tax.'

Tom's last day.

"I'd like to make a list. What do we kick when we die?"

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

Selfie with death

Morty likes a holistic approach... sex, cigarettes, pillow talk and then death.

"I suggest you say your final 'I told you so'."

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

'Alright! Everybody sit up!'

'He's hired a ghostwriter for his last words.'

Normally, I'd give a man in your condition six months to live, but we have a special this week on eight months!

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

"I'm the spirit of the present Christmas but don't worry... in your case the appearance of the ghost of the future Christmas is redundant."

"It's a belated, get well soon card."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"Unfortunately there's no HMO for what you have"

'I thought it might help you get your mind off things. It's a story of hope and survival. Nothing at all like your story.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

Euthanasia Clinic

'OK, how about something a little more upbeat?'

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

"You constantly saying 'I'll see you Monday' won't change the fact that you're fired."

'You know the rules, Mr Dotterill - you're only allowed one visitor at a time.'

'I'll let my colleague explain.'

'If things don't go well, tell me you'll pull the plug. I want to know you'll be provided for.'

'I've done everything that medical science can do...now I suggest you sacrifice a goat to Nagoomba.'

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

"After ten years at the company, the boss finally noticed my work...he fired me!"

"The test results were inconclusive, we should know more after the autopsy."

'Of course you can have a second opinion. Let's just hope he gets here in time.'

'Very well, instead of the bible I'll read you Harry Potter but I am still standing behind the lectern.'