Long-term Illness Gifts

'Squeeze my hand if you want us to hold your job for you.'

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'He's refusing to die as a protest against Inheritance Tax.'

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

"I hear he's taking an experimental drug called, 'It Ain't Over Till It's Over.'"

"Unfortunately there's no HMO for what you have"

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

'I thought it might help you get your mind off things. It's a story of hope and survival. Nothing at all like your story.'

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

Flo discovered that one of the perks of cancer was that even reluctant friends were willing to give her foot massages,

Euthanasia Clinic

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

Tom's last day.

Flo figured that since she was using medical marijuana during chemo, she might as well go hippy retro.

'Please don't interupt-we've only got 45 minutes.'

Flo discovered that one perk of cancer is that people treat her like a queen.

"You'll have to take this medication for the rest of your life, but don't worry it's non-addictive."

'OK, how about something a little more upbeat?'

'I'm the doctor - I'll decide what's chronic!'

"Instead of days, my pill organizer is divided into months."

The Sunrise of Vaccines

"First day out of bed?"

'By 'fight the good fight' I don't mean you fight against it.'

"What do you mean, what's my favourite hymn?"

'I'll let my colleague explain.'

"I'd like to make a list. What do we kick when we die?"

Stay apart & stay happy

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

'I've done everything that medical science can do...now I suggest you sacrifice a goat to Nagoomba.'

"I suggest you say your final 'I told you so'."

Morty likes a holistic approach... sex, cigarettes, pillow talk and then death.

"The surgery went well. It had spread, but I'm quite confident we got it all."