Tennis Gifts

John McEnroe

'Your serves are great. Ground strokes, superb. It's your foot faults that are killing you.'

"Anyone for tennis?"

Tennis Balls

'Want to serve first?'

'Middle managers play tennis.'

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'Wimbledon - The British weather is causing ever more contentious line-calls.'

"According to my Zip Code, I prefer non-spicy foods, enjoy tennis more than golf, subscribe to at least one news-oriented periodical, own between thirty and thirty-five ties, never buy lemon-scented products, and have a power tool in my basement, but none

'The difference between retirement and old age is where you put the ice.'

'What? You said court-appropriate attire!'

"And the crowd roars."

"Why do men play best of five and women best of three?"

The solar system is replaced by sports balls.

"Insurance, anyone?"

"I see good things in your future."

'I follow my doctor's orders religiously. He said for me to spend two hours a day on the tennis court.'

Mixed Doubles.

Watching a tennis match vs. watching the stock market.

'Advantage' (Tennis player has huge racket).

Watching the markets.

"It looks bad, boss - they got your DNA off an old tennis ball."

'Strategy , , , got to think strategy , , ,'

'Could you help me on my grunting.'

"Quiet please...the players are about to begin grunting."

'It just came out. It handles forehands, backhands and overheads all in one motion.'

"You're on the forty-ninth floor now, Mr. Dowd. Up here, the world no longer revolves around you."

Squash Courts - "Insurance anyone"

Jack started to note how these 'accidents' always occurred after he missed a shot.

Tennis Court - "How do you plead?"

"Hmm, offhand, I'd say you have a nasty case of tennis elbow!"

Roger Federer

Tennis coach says to player, 'People are calling you the next Tim Henman!' Player responds with, 'Bastards!'

'Correction: You are not playing well today.' Bob would tack on $20 for the English lesson.

'That's 12 games in a row. As my best friend, it wouldn't kill you to let me win one every once in awhile.'