Temperamental Chef Enthusiast Pillows

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Better Not Squash.

Witch's Brew.

"Fair's fair. I cooked the dinner, so you can clean the cauldron!"

Sushi Train Set.

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

"The tiny red things were harvested from Frankie's bonsai tree."

Thanksgiving Game Highlights

"I've been a chef for far too long...."

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

"I don't like it."

Salvador Deli

"Try and push the eye of newt and wing of bat casserole."

"At what point did my Boeuf Bourguignonne become a pejorative beef stew?"

'Carrot cake!.. What's next?.. Broccoli cake?'

Football Pudding

'It looks exactly like the picture in the recipe book except for the burnt bits.'

'This is Muriel's kitchen, where the magic happens -- you know, Voodoo and stuff like that,'

Lobster potion.

MasterWitch

"If anyone asks, I didn't hear about the big beef recall."

"He's one of the few genuine food critics left....he still fills his pen with Spanish squid ink."

'Gentlemen, tonight's special is broiled sea urchin, with raspberries, over candy corn, with a goat's milk sauce. I would suggest a wine to recommend with it, had I attended sommelier school in the Twilight Zone.'

"Can't talk now, I'm dicing with death, we're doing stir-fry."

'I like home cooking if it's in someone else's home.'

'And this is Mario Batali. Of course, he's not the Mario Batali.'

'My mum's not very hygienic... She cooks carrots and peas in the same pot!'

Home on the Range.

'Leave us alone, you big bully!'

'-and did anyone notice my little faux pas with the meat balls?'

Hell's kitchen /Beans only.

"This is how it works. If you burn the fish it's "blackened cajun delight". And if you can't be stuffed cooking it, it's called Sashimi!"

Escaping Egg

'Don't forget toothpicks for our candlelight supper tonight. . . get the cellophane tip ones; preferably gold to match the gold plastic service and mugs.'