Telly Addict Extraordinaire Gifts

'Try putting a remote in one hand aan a beer in the other and see if he starts up.'

Showbiz Awards

'Einsteiners.'

"Would you sit and watch a 12 hour movie?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

Stephen Fry

Big screen TV falling through floor

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

'The anger management is working... tonight there were fewer veins popping.'

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

"The end of my favorite series is near."

NOVA. Don't worry --- The "vacuum of space" is not that kind of vacuum.

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

Captive Audience at the World Cup.

'I'll sure be glad when somebody invents cable!'

'Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises...what the hell is on your TV that's so special?'

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

It's only a remote, dear...if you want better programs you will need a wand.

God with Earth Controller

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Can't Touch This

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Starvation Watching

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what is good on Netflix.

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

"It's hard being a TV viewer trapped in the body of a student."

The cradle of mankind

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Can you do battle with him later?... He's watching, 'Game of Thrones'."

'Dear, you're not supposed to take it seriously...it's a reality show!'