Telly Addict Extraordinaire Gifts

'Try putting a remote in one hand aan a beer in the other and see if he starts up.'

Showbiz Awards

"Would you sit and watch a 12 hour movie?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

"And the letterbox version, how does that make you feel."

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

Big screen TV falling through floor

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

'The anger management is working... tonight there were fewer veins popping.'

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

"The end of my favorite series is near."

'Hello Mr Preston? This is an ALIEN speaking. We have landed in your paddock. We have mutilated your cows. We have made loud crashing noises...what the hell is on your TV that's so special?'

'I'll sure be glad when somebody invents cable!'

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

It's only a remote, dear...if you want better programs you will need a wand.

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

God with Earth Controller

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'During the next commercial, I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.'

The cradle of mankind

"Is anything good on?"

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

'Dear, you're not supposed to take it seriously...it's a reality show!'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"It's General Douglas MacArthur."