Telemedicine Gifts

"I really want to thank you for these great telepsychiatry sessions, doctor. The format lends itself to easing my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy around others."

'I'm a stay-at-home teleradiologist.'

"I'm sorry, but the doctor no longer sees patients in person. But he does take e-mail from 9 to 3."

"We've seen a lot of this in 2020... It's called 'Zoom Face'."

Annual meeting of the American Telemedical Association.

"Man, this telemedicine thing is great -- I don't even have to put my pants on!"

'Doctor, would it be possible for you to treat me as a human being?'

"My telemedical surgeon says we need to operate!"

Going to a split screen doesn't count as a second opinion, doctor.

"Since you're still wary about coming into the office, I'll have to walk you through the prostate exam."

I can't handle too much change so I'm reading a four-year-old magazine while waiting for my telemedicine appointment.

"So, how do you like your new medical website?"

'I'm getting lonely – my patients are getting their prescriptions online instead of visiting me.'

"That's the fifth customer this morning - video calling the doctor's surgery because of Covid restrictions."

"Since this whole COVID thing I've had to adjust my practice."

"Your online doctor is currently with another patient. Please go into the other room, put on some awful music and read an outdated magazine. He'll be with you in a few hours."

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'I hope you don't mind me bringing a few medical students in to see you. '

Kevin had a computer virus.

"I've already go t a diagnosis from homedoc.com..."

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

"Yes, of course you can have a second opinion — ask Siri."

That's my diagnosis. If you want a second opinion, I will ask my Smart Phone

'Sure, you can communicate with him. He's also hooked up to the Internet.'

"I'm working remotely from home...I have a gallbladder, 2 appendectomies, a colon resection and playgroup at 3."

"The doctor will see you now. Look up at the surveillance camera and tell her what hurts."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

"I'm not sure the extent of it really comes across in a Zoom consultation, doctor."

Sad looking computer with plasters and a black eye

"I'm a doctor, I'm allowed to google it."

"My telemedical nutritionist calls it surprisingly smooth, with a fruity bouquet rendered more enticing due to a hing of cassis and touches of bell pepper aroma."

"I can't take the zoom lifestyle for one more minute!"

'Great news. There's a new, highly effective app for what you've got.'

Hypochondriac at two computers. One reads 'Internet diagnosis', other says 'Second opinion'.