Telegraph Aficionado Gifts

Samuel Morse

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

Television Readers.

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'You'll be happy to see that I've finally managed to turn things around.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"Why don't you ever fetch anything good like a pizza?"

"Perhaps this slide whistle can better illustrate what this graph is telling us."

"I know! Two years without anymore Game Of Thrones?"

'We need you to settle a bet -- was 'Twilight Zone' a sitcom or a documentary?'

I.T. Fear

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

The city of San Francisco switches from cable cars to satellite dish at a cost of only $79.99 a month for the first six months.

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

A bunch of baseball players sitting on a baseball diamond watching TV.

'Have you seen me?' (Brain missing in TV viewer)

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

100 best beheadings

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"I'm you from the future! Or the past. I've completely lost track of time."

'-Not THE Queen Vic?'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"He's an indoor cat."

"The disasters are collaborating better than we are!"

'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

Experience-Productivity Ratio / Age-Salary Ratio.

'Could you pass me my - oh thankyou.'

Couch and Potato