Tabloid Aficionado Gifts

"Elvis battles Alien, Britney weds Satan. Man, who reads this garbage?"

'I'm afraid there's no market for 'Kiss n Tell' these days. We need 'Shag n Tell' at the very least...'

"I want to warn you anything you say may be taken down and sold to the tabloids."

'In a surprise announcement, the National Enquirer made a takeover bid for the Wall Street Journal.'

The responsible Sun Ethics Girl

T'was The S***e Before Christmas.

"The school newspaper's much improved as a tabloid!"

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

"We've been following this breaking news for five hours! Police have received a call that Bigfoot is inside this house!"

"I'm sorry, your highness...those nasty paparazzi guys!"

Leisure Editor

Newspaper with a 'Paris Hilton' section.

Man to other: 'You don't really know what it's like until you've walked a mile in another man's scandal.'

'I'd read the paper, but I can't wait until tomorrow to find out which celeb is being called fat today.'

'Hasn't London got enough newspapers?'

'I'd love to spend more time perusing the alternative media, but then I'd miss out on all those important celebrity stories.'

Free Jeffrey Archer in Daily Wail.

'It must be true! It's right here in the Shameless Advertorial!'

"Bloody Hell! Not more 'Sun' worshippers!"

'Henry, there are two schools of thought about your illness: The New England Journal of Medicine school and the National Enquirer.'

'Right so we're leading on the disgraceful attention that Big Brother is getting when there are so many more important things happening in the world...that's pages 1,2,3,4,6,and 7...'

"There it is—the home of the 'National Enquirer'!"

King Henry and his Cheshire bride

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

"Why don't you ever fetch anything good like a pizza?"

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

My Literary Influences

'He speaks for our entire generation. Pity he's such a bore...'

Ironing Punctuation

Frontispiece to 'Dombey and Son'

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

'Excellent job, Fenwick, especially the part where you employ Magic Realism to fudge third-quarter earnings!'

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

JET (Part I)