Talking Over Coffee Gifts

"If he were just 8 inches taller, 20 years younger,10 times more mature and a million dollars richer, he'd be perfect."

Every morning the office gossip was cascaded down...

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

'I'm looking for people who find me intimidating.'

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"So have you been watching Bridgerton?"

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

"It just wasn't working out. He's liberal low-carb and I'm strict keto."

'I've given up on looking for the bluebird of happiness. . . I'd settle for the chicken of contentment!'

Teachers Lounge. That's funny -- I was sure the "No Child Left Behind" act would cover field trips.

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

"I like my coffee like my men: light and weak."

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

Voting on their Seats

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

"Wow, I did not see that coming."

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

'Well there hasn't been a ring yet! But he did say that we were going to look at bridle wear - so, I know what that means. . . he loves me, Joanne.'

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'

"Actually, I was first drawn to Judaism not because of the religious beliefs but the dietary restrictions!"

'I'm not concerned that coffee might keep me awake all night. I have credit problems that do that for me.'