Talking Over Coffee Pillows

"If he were just 8 inches taller, 20 years younger,10 times more mature and a million dollars richer, he'd be perfect."

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Every morning the office gossip was cascaded down...

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

'I'm looking for people who find me intimidating.'

"I know it's only been a little while since we've been allowed to mingle again but I'm already getting really tired of people."

"Of all my husbands I believe the first one tasted the best."

'I don't care what he says, child labor laws were never intended to protect the rights of children in their mid-30s.'

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

"Sergio, you are the best father in the world. Except, you know, when you're not."

"So have you been watching Bridgerton?"

"When you say you love your life, should I be happy for you?"

"It just wasn't working out. He's liberal low-carb and I'm strict keto."

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

"I'm dating a much younger guy....makes sense, my ex was a cheetah."

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

"Paved in gold? Oh my, no. With out crumbling infrastructure we're doing well if the streets are paved at all."

"I like my coffee like my men: light and weak."

"I've been dating this homeless guy..."

'I didn't get the settlement I was hoping for...turns out I'd already spent most of his money while we were married.'

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

"I remember when you could order a cup of coffee in two or three words."

'Well there hasn't been a ring yet! But he did say that we were going to look at bridle wear - so, I know what that means. . . he loves me, Joanne.'

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

"I've had a few days to calm down and process things and I've come to the realization that I was wrong to have had faith in humanity."

"Wow, I did not see that coming."

'My life began at 40 but my credit problems had a huge head start.'

"Actually, I was first drawn to Judaism not because of the religious beliefs but the dietary restrictions!"

'Don't look now but it's that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped,'

'I'm not concerned that coffee might keep me awake all night. I have credit problems that do that for me.'