Surgery Skeptics Gifts

'Without surgery, you'll just have to accept jowls and a turkey neck as part of the aging process, Narcissus.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

"Last week on 'Top Surgeon' Erica won immunity, while Carl was sent home for killing his patient during routine gallbladder surgery."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"It was a botched surgery."

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

Reflex Testing -"...and you're sure you can't feel it"

"Firstly, have you ever had an appendix out before?"

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

"And if Ooh, Eeh, Ooh Ah Ah doesn't work, we'll try Walla Walla Bing Bang."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"Did you get some work done?"

Myth Diagnosis

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"He's going to be fine. We're just putting his giblets back."

"No response doctor! The patient is sedated!"

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'The Rich Get Richer - The Poor Get Poorer'

Man robbed by medical center.

'House calls?...Dr. Latrobe doesn't even make phone calls!'

"Sorry Mr. Parkinson, but I've left some rubber gloves inside you. I need to open you up to retrieve them."

Casino plastic surgery...specializing poker faces.

''Free prescription drugs'? — We don't even have doctors!'