Suburban Schemer Gifts

Garage Sale

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"He loves his leaf blower."

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

'Sure, I took your shovel. Ethics doesn't kick in for a year or two.'

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"It may have been just a kick-about in the garden, but Eric took things very seriously."

"Do you call this a business plan?"

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

"When the heck did leaf blowers become grass blowers?!"

'First item on the agenda...Throw out the agenda!!'

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

Single Family Home Sanctuary

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

"So, are we singing from the same hymnbook?"

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"We love your results. We're just a weeny bit concerned about your methods."

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

"Just take the free kick, and stop wasting time."

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

'Why we have architects'

"And, in suburban news, construction of the new, attached four-season solarium at 6870 Evercrest Drive continued amid the silent, seething envy of the neighbors."