Suburban Diner Gifts

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"To paraphrase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure without pain au chocolat."

"Careful. That house has a taser."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

"The trees are laughing at us."

Enjoying a picnic at the rugby ground

The Great Drywall of Sheboygan.

A man gets a paper cut while reading in his back yard and is attacked by 'Lawn Sharks'.

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'It's exactly what I need to drive our only child to school at the end of the road.'

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

'The customer is always right...'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Dave's Hamburger Shop

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

Tortured Plank

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

Rabbits picknick

'This Chardonnay is so over-oaked, it comes with a 2-year service contract from Terminix.'

It was going to be a subdivision, but they ran out of snow. Chilly Hills Estates.

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

When Dinosaurs Roamed the Restaurants

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'I'm getting the shrimp - it sounds really yummy!'