Suburban Parent Gifts

30 year old in the Suburbs. 30 year old in Chicago. 30 year old in San Francisco

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Because when you go first nobody else has any fun, that's why."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Beware of the Lawn

Tortured Plank

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

Skimming out star reflections

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

'She wasn't a soccer mom after all -- she was a NINJA mom!'

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

"Lemonade" "Vodka"

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

Moving Van.

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

"When do your in-laws leave?"