Suburban Homeowners Gifts

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

A corner market is taken over by suburban sprawl.

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

Tortured Plank

It was going to be a subdivision, but they ran out of snow. Chilly Hills Estates.

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

Mr. Cranky Pants Plants a Garden - Part 1

Skimming out star reflections

"I can remember when this was all farmland."

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

Single Family Home Sanctuary

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

The Burbs

"Yes, I can remember when it was nothing but forest land as far as you could see."

Moving Van.

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

"I enjoy the park, but not the commute."

Office block moving to the suburbs.

THE SMITHS/THE JOHNSONS