Straw Sipper Gifts

The plastic straw-extended version

I warned you. Martinis sipped through a straw just go down a whole lot faster!

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Moments like this make me glad I taught you how to fetch mojitos."

'I swear, if he didn't always pick up the tab, I'd never go drinking with him.'

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

"...Stop complaining if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!"

"Whine and cheezed party."

Beach flirting

Running Latte

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, fell, and retained a brilliant attorney."

'You know what would be really romantic? If, just for once, you sat at the tap end.'

'Enjoying a snifter of brandy by the fire...'

'Gee, mom, you know I want to visit - I'm just so darned busy.'

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

No boyfriend, can't be bothered t-shirt

"Detox is two doors back, bro' - this is retox!"

"I'm a retriever but I prefer 'Go-Getter'."

Complaints Desk

A very fine vintage

"Our seasonal special is spiced pumpkin apple butternut squash ale. Would you like that in a frosted mug or over ice cream?"

'I told her my biological clock was going off, and she hit my snooze alarm.'

Anton's Bar and Grill

'I don't like her line of gossip - it's never about anyone I know.'

Margaret got tired of waiting for her ‘slow-brew' tea.

'Ah, 'man's best friend' and it's brought by a dog.'

'Will you stop yelling save the whales and finish you pina colada?'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it? No. What if I drank scotch and smoked a cigar and listened to vinyl records and grew a big lumberjack beard? It's what all the hipsters are doing. You're not a hipster. I'm at least a kneester. At most you're a keister.

"Don't you worry JB, everything is fine here."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'