Strategy Skeptics Gifts

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

The suggestion box.

"He's not a big fan of micromanaging."

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

"This report says a happy workforce is a productive workforce, but I need more proof before I go changing everything around."

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

'If congress regulates obscene bonuses, isn't that a violation of the first amendment?'

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"This'll show the Theology Department."

'Dear sir, thank you for your idea of a helicopter ejection-seat, but...'

'I have great job security since management doesn't even know I work here.'

Judgment Day is coming next Monday. Repent. Now, hold on. How can I believe you when so many dire prophecies haven't come true? I sealed myself in a shelter twice in the late '60s, hid in the Appalachian Mountains a decade later. A huge bunching of Judgment Day visions in the late '80s led me to simply get a time share in the Colorado mountains … Getting out of town doesn't spare you Judgment Day. I don't think. Lemme double-check the clues in Marmaduke. Mostly I needed an excuse to get away. Th

"My kid could have done that with AI."

Confident Business Team - We Know We Can

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

Suggestions Box

"Well, by that logic no one would ever shave a clock onto a monkey."

"He's our new trend-spotter?"

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

'Haffner, we'll have none of your common sense suggestions!'

'My work is based on a version of the truth, but I believe the truth to be fluid...'

New From The People Who Brought You I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-A-Petroleum-By-Product Sandwich Spread

"OK, I'll be the one to say it. With all due respect, sir, that is one heck of a big 'if!'"

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."