Strategy Skeptic Gifts

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

"OK, I'll be the one to say it. With all due respect, sir, that is one heck of a big 'if!'"

"Serious analysis and market research hasn't worked. Let's go back to gossip, tea leaf reading and guesswork."

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

"This isn't a priority - put our worst people on it."

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

'Well, yes, waterboarding probably would work, but I don't recommend it as a sales technique.'

"Market Research will now tell us what we want people to tell us."

"You called this strategy session for THAT?"

"Let's just sit tight till the cultural amnesia sets in."

'Haffner, we'll have none of your common sense suggestions!'

"And I'm sure everyone here remembers the day last month when that big wind shift turned our scorched-earth marketing strategy against us."

'Now, I want you to get back out there and beg him for mercy!'

'The new business plan is the same as the old business plan except that, due to layoffs, we have less scapegoats to blame in case of failure.'

'Of course we're making a lot of mistakes - this is a dummy corporation.'

After only 30 seconds of talking with the CEO, Harold realized his company is run by idiots.

"'New and Improved' is overdone. Let's try 'Old and Used Up'."

"These numbers are great! How did you folks turn our manufacturing division around so quickly?"

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

"We're a little behind schedule. Before we put the work into testing, the client wants to test the idea of testing the testing comapny."

"The shipping industry has a name for the bold type of corporate restructuring we're about to undertake..."

"Are you sure this is the best idea the management consultant could come up with?"

Corona Crisis Team: Finally Gets Real Experts!

"So in conclusion we've decided that you need to do more stuff, but do it better. . . That'll be £439 million please."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

A fight in the Boardroom.

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Ah, Galagher, we made good use of your proposal.'

"...but the big question is, does the competition know that we don't know what we don't know?"

After a day long meeting, the decision, as usual, is made in the hallway.

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."