Performance Skeptic Gifts

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

"Gentleman I believe I've found a revolutionary new way for us to more productively waste our lives."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

"He's not a big fan of micromanaging."

'Wilbur took really, really good care of his car.'

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

Progress?

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

'I have great job security since management doesn't even know I work here.'

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

'I loved your argument. When are you planning to perform it again?'

"I've found if I squint my eyes and frown, it looks like I'm concentrating rather than sleeping.".

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

'Haffner, we'll have none of your common sense suggestions!'

'I'll give you this, Henderson - you're no worse than anyone else.'

Woman and scales.

Please seat to be weighted.

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

"OK, I'll be the one to say it. With all due respect, sir, that is one heck of a big 'if!'"

"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd actually save up the money to buy it?"

'Your weight second opinion.'