Stage Skeptic Gifts

"Well, the tickets sure as hell weren't minimal."

'They all want to play the star.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

Stephen Fry

Acme. Breakable prop transporter.

Woman crying with happiness.

'After years of practicing in empty theaters, Horace's dream of becoming a soft-shoe dancer seemed as remote as ever.'

'So no animals were harmed in that movie...but how about the audience?!'

Waving from Behind the Curtain

'I don't like reading on screen, so I'm printing the internet to look at it later.'

E=Emcee Squared

'I'm a star!'

Mr. K's essay is such a drag! Yeah, but I've got to do really well. Twig! You're such a grind! Am not! Life isn't only about grades. I know! But he's directing the spring musical. And my singing won't get me the part all by itself! English: Gateway to the Grammys.

Cleaner cleaning under the feet of the dancers as they perform

"My first love is the theatre, of course, but you're right up there."

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

"They're texting it in."

'Some of you may have heard that Dr. Weil is giving HIS talk right now in the next auditorium.'

"If all the world's a stage, I'm beginning to wonder about the PLAYWRIGHT!"

"This next song is for all you a cappella lovers. No strings attached."

"Ambitions. . . To . . . Er. . . Um . . . Become. . . Er. . . Um. . . A. . . Er. . . Um . . . Motivational. . . Er. . . Um. . . Speaker."

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Bravo!

Weight Gain Denial

'I told you I'd make you a star.'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

I didn't dress this way to go unnoticed

'Forget equal ops, darling, we're searching for a female Maria.'

Please seat to be weighted.

Woman and scales.

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

"You don't seem to know your lines." "That's because I'm an understudy."

"This one's for me."