Storyteller Of The Grades Gifts

'You'd think a Humanities professor would be more lenient in her grading.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'You're doing a play in kindergarten?'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

I miss recess!

"Simon, I'm not really interested in your juvenilia."

"What I did on my summer vacation and how I optioned it to Miramax..."

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

"My report on summer vacation. . . Book and movie rights are available for $1000 each."

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"The quality of the writing is an embarrassment, it has no style, no fluency, no soul!"

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

"Can you believe it? Smiley kissed me! I was totally not expecting it. She's probably gonna blabber it to the whole school! If I'm lucky."

Teacher to parents: 'Ah - you're right. What do I know about kids? My biological clock went coo-coo years ago.'

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'