Storyteller Of The Grades Gifts

'You'd think a Humanities professor would be more lenient in her grading.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

'You're doing a play in kindergarten?'

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

"I can't tell you how it ended. That would ruin the sequel."

I miss recess!

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

"What I did on my summer vacation and how I optioned it to Miramax..."

"Simon, I'm not really interested in your juvenilia."

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

"My report on summer vacation. . . Book and movie rights are available for $1000 each."

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

"The quality of the writing is an embarrassment, it has no style, no fluency, no soul!"

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

"Can you believe it? Smiley kissed me! I was totally not expecting it. She's probably gonna blabber it to the whole school! If I'm lucky."

Rosewood Elementary E. Osgood Principal. I know you'll tell my parents about this, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Santa.