School Day Storyteller Gifts

"My first day of school was good too...this year mom hardly cried at all when I left."

'Well, if it isn't Harry Roberts. You've hardly changed since we were at school together!'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

'Headmaster I'd like to report Biggins and Small who were caught this morning consuming trans-fats behind the bicycle shed.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'I don't care if you are just 2 years old, people don't have time to read your life story.'

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

"I learned that Moses partied on the Red Sea today."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

'These are the happiest days of your life.'

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

'Certainly you may invite a friend to lunch. Bring him in.'

"Can you believe it? Smiley kissed me! I was totally not expecting it. She's probably gonna blabber it to the whole school! If I'm lucky."