School Days Storyteller Gifts

"I'm sure you have some things you regret doing in elementary school."

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'A dog ate my homework.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

'I hate counting sheep. I get enough math at school.'

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"I wish I'd failed my 11 Plus too...."

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

"You're actually passing notes in class? That is so retro!"

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

I used to have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination. In their nightmares, they forget passwords!

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

"... And since then, I've been quietly stalking you."

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"I learned that Moses partied on the Red Sea today."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

'Of course I remember you-Tomkins,the Peter Pan of the Lower 4th!'

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

"Next week si my parent & teacher, principal, guidance counselor, crossing guard, bus driver and lunch lady conference. Is that bad?"

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'