School Life Storyteller Gifts

'I'm sorry Ms. Tinsdale. My computer got a virus and lost my homework!'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'A dog ate my homework.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

Back to school: The Horror,

"If what you don't know can't hurt you, I'm safe from math, English, history, and science."

"First period music always leaves me with a tune stuck in my head for the rest of the day."

"I'm holding George back this year because he's failed to forge a personal style."

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

Rapunzel as a child.

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"Mom says teachers wear many hats. . . and I can't wear just one??"

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'I saw the school nurse put that sign up.'

"My mom wants you to dispense my happy pill just before I get on the bus for home."

"I learned that Moses partied on the Red Sea today."

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!