School Stories Gifts

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

'What are you eating?' 'Paste.'

'That's a lie. I wasn't expelled - I resigned . . .'

"The school just called to say they're naming the detention room after you!!"

"I'm sorry, Tommy has a bad cold and can't come to school today ..... this is my father speaking."

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'A dog ate my homework.'

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

"My problem is, I can't tell the rules from the guidelines."

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

Teacher to parents: 'Ah - you're right. What do I know about kids? My biological clock went coo-coo years ago.'

"My first day of school was good too...this year mom hardly cried at all when I left."

'Before I begin today's lesson, please turn off your cell phones, beepers and ipods.'

'And there goes the school window...'

Rosewood Elementary E. Osgood Principal. I know you'll tell my parents about this, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Santa.

'I did have an eventful day at school, but nothing, in my opinion, to write home about.'

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'