School Story Enthusiasts Gifts

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

"Don't we like the Brothers Grimm anymore?"

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

'I ran as fast as I could, but I still couldn't catch the Gingerbread Man...'

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

"Worthy of an Oscar don't you think?"

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

"I want a story that won't challenge my worldview ."

The Lawyer of Oz

"The Three Wise Men followed a star...wasn't their GPS working?"

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

Pay attention Mom. You're making the wolf and three little pigs sound the same.

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

"Stop fact checking my story."

'Yep, I did eat his homework, but he begged me to.'

"Do I read better than Mommy?"

Tony Weller and his grandson

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

Teddy Talk

Suspension of Disbelief Bridge

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

'I understand the school has a policy of promoting from within, so I'd like to be considered for your job when you retire.'