School Tales Gifts

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'Today, in kindergarten, we learned how to count to one.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

'Yep, I did eat his homework, but he begged me to.'

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

Rosewood Elementary E. Osgood Principal. I know you'll tell my parents about this, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Santa.

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

'I did have an eventful day at school, but nothing, in my opinion, to write home about.'

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

"Who'd like to start today's show and tell?"